Chapter XII: Rejection

(NOTE: Oh my goodness! This makes me so mad! I uploaded pictures for this entry, but for some reason, even though they are listed in My Studio, they aren't coming up when I try to open them. I already uploaded and deleted everything from my launcher, so I can't go back and reload them again! So please forgive me, I had every intention of giving you pictures of this chapter, but I guess now you'll just have to imagine it all.)

I'm muttering to myself again. Timo and Mattei tease me, saying I look crazy when I do that. But I'm just so angry, I can't help it. Mom had it out with me again. My report card arrived, and I got a D in pretty much every class. “Lilah, this is unacceptable! You are so much smarter than this! You should be getting A's!” she ranted.

“Well, maybe I would be if I wasn't always having to help you raise the kids you keep insisting on having!” I shot back at her. It was true, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing I could have said if I wanted to stay out of trouble. I can't help it though. I love seeing the look of shock and pain in her face when I nail it to her in an argument. Call me sadistic, but it's almost pleasurable.

Needless to say, she grounded me, or rather extended my current grounding. I had to sneak out of the house to keep my date with Sandi. We agreed to meet at the movie theater, and I'm terrified she might get there and think I stood her up because I'm running late. I feel an overwhelming urge to choke myself out of frustration, and semi-jokingly struggle with my arm. The taxi driver looks at me in the rear view mirror. “Uh, you okay, miss?” I blush and lower my arms.

He drops me off in front of the movie plaza, and I look around anxiously, wondering if Sandi has already gone home. But then I see her. She is radiant, wearing that same pink dress she had on the day we met, and when she smiles at me, I feel my stomach knot in anticipation. Today is the day. I have promised myself that I am going to tell her everything, that I am going to confess my feelings for her. But I am so nervous I can barely get a greeting out.

“Hey, Lilah,” she says, walking up.

“Hi,” I answer, and before I can try to say more she engulfs me in a hug and I breathe in the scent of her. Mmm... floral and sweet... perfect.

“So what movie did you want to see?” she asks, taking my arm and walking us toward the theater. “They've got one about llamas that looks pretty funny.”

I hesitate. I just know that if I sit through a whole movie without saying anything, I'm going to lose my nerve. It's now or never.

“Sandi, I need to tell you something.”

She turns to look at me, a spark of concern in her beautiful eyes. “Is everything okay?” she asks. “Did you get in another fight with your mom?”

“No. I mean, well, yes, but that's not...” I stop, take a deep breath, refocus. Just say it. “Sandi, I love you.”

I watch her anxiously. Her eyes widen momentarily, and a nervous smile pulls at the corner of her mouth. “What?” she asks.

“I love you,” I stammer. “I think I have since the first day I met you. You're beautiful and wonderful and... I'm crazy about you.” There, I said it. Nervous, I drop my gaze to the pavement and study my shoes. “I just... needed you to know that.”

“Wait... so... you mean 'love' as in like...more than friends?” Sandi asks, and my heart sinks. I look back up at her, nodding.

“Oh,” she says, and stands there for a moment. “Well... I... I'm flattered...”

I frown. “You don't... feel the same way?”

“Oh, Lilah,” Sandi says, and in the tone of her voice, I hear everything I need to hear. I turn away before she can see the tears that are threatening to overwhelm me.

“No, it's fine. I get it. Whatever,” I choke out. I feel her hand on my shoulder and shake it off.

“Lilah, let me explain...”

“No, Sandi, I don't think you need to explain. It's perfectly clear how you feel. You're beautiful and popular and smart and I'm not, so I'm sorry, I don't know what ever made m think I had a chance with you.”

“Lilah, that's not--”

“Just leave me alone!” I shout at her, and storm off. I can hear her calling my name, but I can't look back. The tears are flowing now, and I'm already mortified. Anything else would just make it worse. I stumble into the empty parking lot behind the theater and keep going until I'm lost, surrounded by residential homes. I slow down then, and my cell phone rings. I know it's Sandi, and I ignore it. I don't want to talk.

“Your phone's ringin',” Grandpa's voice whispers beside me.

“Go away,” I growl, swiping self-consciously at my tear-streaked cheeks.

“Guess the reveal didn't go so well, huh?” he gloats.

I stop, turning toward him and screaming at the top of my lungs. “GO AWAY!”

“Alright, alright, we'll chat later,” he says, and I can feel his voice fading as he leaves. I look around and notice a couple of kids playing in a nearby yard, staring at me. I hunch my shoulders and keep walking.

Of course she would never return my feelings. Look at me. I'm ugly. I'm too skinny. I'm poor and wear nasty ripped clothes. I'm stupid. Nobody likes me. And on top of it all, I look completely crazy, talking to a ghost nobody else knows is there. A perfect girl like Sandi French would never go for a total misfit like me. I sob, deep into self-recrimination. How could I have been so blind to this? How could I actually have thought she might feel the same? She probably doesn't even like girls. She's probably grossed out that I'm a lesbian and wants nothing to do with me. I wouldn't blame her.

It's getting dark out. I round a corner and suddenly I'm on a familiar street again. Sandi's street. Her house is standing there in the middle of the block, lights shining cheerfully out of every door and window. I feel a sudden wash of rage, and as I'm passing a trash can on the sidewalk, I see half a container of rotten eggs sitting on top of the other garbage. I grab them and sprint toward Sandi's house, taking an egg and flinging it at her front door as soon as I'm close enough. The egg makes a muted splatt as it impacts, and gooey greenish-yellow yolk slides down the frame. I throw another. And another, til I run out of eggs. I'm winding back to throw the empty carton when the front door opens. Sandi steps out, and suddenly, I lose my steam and drop the carton to the deck.

“Lilah? What on earth are you doing?” she asks.

I stare at the ground, speechless.

“You... egged my house?” she asks in disbelief. I nod. “Why?”

When I look back up at her, there are tears in my eyes again.

“Oh, honey,” she says, and takes me in her arms. I bite my lip and sniffle, trying to keep from losing it again.

“Lilah,” she murmurs in my ear. “You didn't let me explain earlier, so listen to me now. This isn't just about me not feeling the same way. The fact is, I understand. Believe it or not, I know how you feel. You're a wonderful girl, and-- well, please don't tell anyone, since it's not exactly public news yet, but-- I like girls, too.”

“You do?” I ask, voice muted against her sweater.

“Yes, and if I had to choose a girlfriend, I would want her to be just like you.”

“Well, then, why...?” I start, pulling back so I can see her face.

“Lilah, I just turned eighteen. I'm an adult now.”

“So?”

“Honey, you're only fifteen. And I'm about to graduate. I'll be going away to college soon, and I just don't think a long-distance relationship would be good for either of us.”

“Why not? We could make it work!” I protest, but she looks at me sadly and I trail off. She shakes her head.

“I have a lot of goals, Lilah, and much as I love you, it wouldn't be right for either of us to get into a relationship right now only to end it or put it on hold when I leave at the end of the summer.” She lifts my chin so I am looking her in the eyes. “You understand, right?”

I can feel my lip trembling, and I say nothing. But she can see the acquiescence in my eyes, and she pulls me in for another hug. “Thank you for understanding,” she whispers, then she releases me.

“It's late. And a school night. Go home and get some rest,” she says, and gently pushed me toward the porch stairs. I stop and take a last, longing look at her. “Sorry about the eggs,” I say. “And Sandi... let me know if you ever change your mind. I'll be here.” She smiles sadly, and then turns to go inside. I walk down the porch stairs and head home.

Once I get there, it's late, and I manage to sneak in unnoticed. Dad and Mom are passed out in bed, the triplets are all asleep, and even the twins are quiet in their room. That is one good thing about my crazy family: with the triplets here to keep her busy, Mom is a lot less observant now and rarely notices my absence. I could probably disappear for days and she wouldn't miss me unless she needed a babysitter while she ran an errand.

I stop to grab a snack out of the fridge and head straight to my room. I can feel Grandpa waiting there for me, but I ignore him and flop onto the bed.

“Well?” he says.

“What?”

“Have you had enough of your way of doing things now?” he asks.

I sigh, pulling a cookie out of the package and chewing on it slowly, thinking.

“My dear girl, I'm not asking you to change who you are for me. Just give me a child. You don't even have to tell the father if you don't want to, or have him involved in any way. Give me a new body to live in and I'll take care of you. You will want for nothing. Nobody, including that meddling mother of yours, will be able to tell you what to do anymore. I will protect you, watch over you, love you, and give you everything you'll ever need. Just trust me.”

I picture Sandi's sad eyes gazing at me, and I feel the dull ache in my chest expand a little. “Fine, Grandpa. I'll do it. I'll give you a baby,” I say dully, rolling over and curling up into a ball.

“Good girl. We'll start looking for a mate in the morning.”

I let the tears fall, and I feel him hovering beside me, quiet and comforting, and once again the only friend I have.